Mood Swing

Today after work I went on the front porch and sat on the swing. I bought that swing for Kristi for a Mother's Day several years ago. A guy in Blountsville makes them and sold them on Marketplace. We have taken good care of it over the years. It's one of my 2 favorite places to sit outside, in addition to the his and her rocking adirondack chairs we have that were made by some nice Amish people, but sold thru Ace Hardware. That's what we were told, anyway. It's quiet where I live. Very few cars go up or down our road, and when they do, they are moving pretty fast. It's a dangerous road to have a pet off leash.

The swing got me in a mood this evening. I came inside after a short time and just couldn't relax or be comfortable. I felt like I needed to change things up. Maybe if I rearrange furniture, I can have a little more internal peace while in the house, less flashbacks to moments where Kristi sat in this chair or on that couch. I haven't moved anything. Part of me wants to leave it all like it was because that's how she left it. She did the rearranging. But another part of me has to change it before I go stir crazy. It's pointless. It affects no one but me. The kids have their rooms. They don't "live" in the living room and rarely come into my bedroom. I don't blame them for that either. Every time I walk in there, I see her laying there, motionless, sleeping off the morphine, and then I see her sitting on the side of the bed, needing to go to the bathroom again but never being able to because the pain meds made everything stop up, or vomiting up nothing because she had nothing in her. It was a pitiful existence - one I don't wish on anyone, yet one I would have taken from her for myself in a heartbeat. She was so undeserving of her suffering.

I've had people tell me that I need focus on where she is now. As nice as I can say it, please stop saying that to me. If that's all you have for me, then let's just shake hands in silence and call it a day. Yes, she is in a better place, I know this and I am so very happy for her. No more suffering, no more cancer, no more pain or meds, no more dry heaving, no more bed sores, no more chemo, no more... no more true love. No more Kristi. No more wife. No more mom. No more time. No more future. I realize those "no more's" went from being about her to being about me and our children.  But "no more" is a two way street. I understand the reasoning behind saying that to me. It's positive, uplifting (maybe) and forward facing. It's not looking back on what was, but what is and is to come. All very true. But if you did not daily witness the torture she went thru, you really have nothing to add, at least for me. It was, as I have said repeatedly, inhumane what she went thru. Let God ignore your begging and pleading for mercy for the person you love the most in this world and then be told she is better off now because she is with Him, who did nothing to help her, and see how that sits for a while. I may not be "right" in my thinking but I am certainly justified in it.

I realize it's going to take a long time to get past this feeling of being wronged. He created me and wired me. He knew how I would react to all of this. I've said this next statement in conversation with people I trust, that if God allowed this to happen to Kristi in the manner in which it happened in order for me to learn something new, to teach me something about the God I have served since I was 25 years old, then I don't want to learn anything else. That may be something for others, but it's not for me. And for the record, I don't like that about myself. But it is what it is.