I've written about shadows before and how Kristi was always my shadow and I was hers because we were always together. At Lakeside Park doing my walk the other day, I noticed my single shadow again. It reminded me that this is not going to change until I decide to change it. She's not coming back to join me in my golden years and be my shadow again and I don't want be alone going forward. It's just not for me. It's not good for me. It's not fun for me. It's not how I want to live out my days. She didn't want that for me, nor did I want that for her if I had been the first to go. The pain of loss can be healed. The loss itself will always be felt, but it doesn't have to remain painful and debilitating.
She told me repeatedly in her last months that when I was ready, to find someone to love again, and that it was okay, and to not listen to anyone else say things like, "it's too soon" or some other ignorant comment to discourage me. No one knew me better than she did, and no one knew her better than I. We knew what each other needed to survive day to day. We really never knew how to be alone. Married at 19 and 20 years old, we always had each other. I can remember jokingly telling her that if I went first, just don't go for Kevin Costner. She swooned over that old man and I wasn't having that geezer replace me. And I wasn't to go for Vanna White, who was a celebrity crush of mine in 9th or 10th grade. I had the poster... ok, both posters. Don't judge me.
The point is, we knew that the other would not be happy ever again if we went the rest of our life alone. We weren't created that way. She needed me and I needed her. She told me that so many times over the years. "I need you"...not "I need you to do the dishes or cut the yard" but just "I need YOU." Nothing followed that and nothing needed to follow that. It was understood that she needed me to be present, in the moment, protecting, giving, loving, caring, nurturing, and listening... to be her shadow.
Marriage is not hard. People make it hard. They tend to forget what it is. They coexist and put the emphasis and expectations on the wrong things and/or become selfish. It's a covenant relationship, a bond, a promise, a gift, a commitment, a priority, and a choice. Marriage is not a specific date that is later called your anniversary. It is a commitment and choice to fall in love with that person daily. We did that. I miss that and I will eventually want that again. It's all I've ever known. Unfortunately, when the time comes for me, people will compare and judge who I date or even marry in the future because, well, they are not Kristi... and that is sad. Kristi was the ONLY Kristi I'll ever know. There is no duplicate. But like her, everyone is unique and beautifully created by God, with their own personalities, gifts and desires. There is no legitimate reason for comparisons, but sadly it will happen anyway. And if that ends up being anyone reading this that decides to make the judgemental comments, don't be overly offended if I call you out on it. My happiness and who I decide to live the rest of my life with does not hinge on anyone else's approval.
Losing Kristi is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, but I had 31 incredibly beautiful years with her. 31 years of waking up with the desire to fall in love with her again and again. I don’t know what's next for me, but I know I won't choose the misery of living in the loss over the hope of happiness. If you still have your spouse, make a conscious decision to remarry that person daily. Be present. Be loving. Be their shadow.
