I was reminded that I haven't updated in a few days, as I said I wouldn't do over the holidays. So here it goes...we have had a very stressful 3 days, so if you read a different "tone" to this update, maybe it will make sense why. Needless to say, I am very glad we had our Christmas on Dec 8. On Christmas Eve, the hospice nurse told us she could pass at any time now. Her BP was unable to be registered or heard. We planned accordingly. I had the kids home, and we stayed with her for the night, with lots of crying and trying to mentally prepare for the inevitable. I am not sure about the kids, but I know I was sleepless. I dozed off for an hour or so around 5 in the morning, but that was all and when I woke up, I was so angry at myself for being so weak minded that I let myself fall asleep. As nicely as I can say this, Don't... just don't. Please refrain from the "don't do that to yourself" comments. I have every right to be angry at myself for anything that I feel that I have failed at, so don't... please. It's not a winnable argument.
Christmas morning came, and our hospice nurse showed up again. Vitals showed 90/40 BP and lower O2 at around 90. Still, she left us with thinking it could be any time now. Kristi has not eaten in 13 days. She is very thin, but her lower body is swelling with fluid.
I forgot to mention that she had started getting hiccups that jarred her whole body. Every 1 to 2 seconds another hiccup, and it went on for 2 1/2 days with very short breaks of relief. I wrestled with God all night for 2 nights over those hiccups saying things like "God... as if cancer wasn't enough, now she gets to add to her misery these obviously painful hiccups! Show some mercy here!" It was much worse than I am expressing here, as far as my conversations with God those 2 nights. I have left the expletives out in case children are reading. So another sleepless night of watching her breathe and hoping another breath would follow but at the same time yelling at God, "What are you waiting on? This has crossed over into a form of torture now! Do something!"
And now today... She has had no hiccups but she has been very lethargic. Very few facial expressions except for one thing that happened this morning. I was helping her sit up on the side of the bed, and I was in a chair in front of her and was talking to her like I always do, asking questions, repeating those same questions over and over because she is not able to focus on anything, and then out of nowhere, she locks eyes with me, leans in and kisses me on the lips four times in a row. I just about lost it. She smiled at me with her face and her eyes and then it was back to neverland again. It was brief but it was a moment I will remember for the rest of my life.
As of right now, she is resting. She is comfortable. And we are cherishing every moment we have left with her. Please don't worry about my rants and verbal altercations with God. It's not the first and I doubt it will be the last. I'm angry. He knows this. I don't understand this and He knows that too. I will eventually find peace and understanding but in my mind, right now, tonight, I am light years away from that. And I don't tell you these things to make you question your faith. Mine has been pushed to a breaking point and whether I can come back on my own or He pulls me back will only be determined by time and effort and a willingness on my part to understand why. Before anyone does this, I understand the need some may have to want to counsel me right now, but I have 2 close people I have been doing this with to a very small extent already and honestly, I am really not ready for it. I know that for a fact. I will politely decline right now. My time of counseling and healing will come when I know the time is right, and now is not it.
So we are nearing the end. I still feel it is hours to a few days away. Her body is failing her. She has disappointment on her face when she wakes up from sleeping and realizes she is not gone yet. She needs mercy now - not morphine, but mercy. If you want to pray and help her, ask for that.
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