Year in review? Nah...
I could talk about what a crappy year 2022 has been but that would not be the truth. As of today, I have had another full year with my wife and that's all I needed to make it a great year. The things that happened throughout the year are just things that can either own me, control me or on the flipside, make me better. 2023 is not going to start off good at all. It will be a while, probably a long while before I am myself again. What I will try my best to do though is to love my kids through this, love my in-laws as they deal with the loss, and love my side of the family because there is no question they love Kristi more than they ever loved me. I say that jokingly, but maybe not, and that's ok. I married up and I know it.
So a new year is coming - a year that will be much more quiet, more lonely, and more solemn, and that too is OK. That is not a cry for help, by the way. That's just how it will be, and I will try to be ready for it. I have moved into a new role at work where I will be working with development software a majority of the time coding custom automation tools for engineering software and that is exciting to me. I may get a little bit of travel time and that will break up the monotony of being a permanent work-from-home employee in what will be a much quieter house, and that is something to look forward to as well.
I can either get crushed under the weight of the impending loss of Kristi or I can embrace new opportunities to grow and heal. Yeah, it will be some of both. Nothing will replace the daily love and conversation I was able to get for over 3 decades from her... nothing. I do love and appreciate all of you that have continued to build me up and love my kids through this. As Abby said to me this morning, "Dad, we are going to be okay," and we will. I have no doubt. Kristi would want that more than anything.
Kristi is still fighting. Her young 50 year old body does not give up easily. She is probably 95% unresponsive. Once or twice a day I will get a head nod or a moan answering one of my many questions per day. She appears comfortable but miserable at the same time, if that makes any sense. She can not do anything on her own and is confined to the bed. She has not had food of any kind for 18 days and only drinks a few ounces of water dripped from a straw into her mouth per day. Needless to say, she is extremely thin now and her bone structure is becoming more defined. Her body cannot sustain this much longer. But, she is never alone - I am by her side at least 23+ hrs of the day. At a minimum, she deserves as much from me as she endured for the 5 years of surgeries, treatments and side-effects to try to stay alive for us. She is a one of a kind. I just love her so much.
Happy New Year
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