The scrapbook

Looking thru some stuff this evening, I opened up the scrapbook Kristi made many years ago, cataloging notes, but mostly cards from many occassions from her to me, and me to her. She put notes beside some of them to give them context of what was happening and when and why the card was given. I found this just after she passed, or maybe Abby found it and brought it to me, and I've looked at it but never took the time like I have this evening.  I've smudged out some of the personal stuff but wow, that girl loved to write her feelings down for me. The cover of it was a single sheet of paper taped to the front and printed with a dot-matrix printer. 

Then, on the inside cover is a single cartoon she clipped out from a newspaper and glued on. Hey, thanks for that one Kristi! I'm a mess now. 

The book is thick and filled with cards and notes and memories, both good and bad. We both gave each other "I'm sorry for..." cards and she kept them and told the reason behind it. She understood that whoever reads this later on needs to know we weren't perfect, but we knew how to work thru our issues and come out better on the other side. 

That top card below is actually the first card she ever gave me. She explains below it that she was in love with me but that I wasn't, and that she nearly scared me away for good. She was right. I wasn't ready for "I love you" yet. I smudged the page and a half note that she wrote me because, well it's between us. 

She sent me cards on special occassions, like dating 2 months. I always knew she loved me back then, early in our dating, but going back and reading these things really paints a vivid picture of how much she loved me. I was so very lucky, more so than I realized back then. I've read that the male brain doesn't fully form until they are in their mid-20's. I believe it. I really had no clue to the extent of her love for me then like I do now. I was clueless.

Part of me wishes I would have taken the time to go thru this book years ago, after she put it together, when she was still here. I would have appreciated it more. She did show it to me after she made it and I was like, "oh, that's cool, you did a great job on this" but again, it wasn't something I thought I would cherish back then like it is now, and I didn't give it the time I needed to. That's probably why it stayed stored away with a bunch of picture albums collecting dust over the last many years.

She was so special and she loved "us", being us, being together and being the best of friends and lovers. I miss her so much, especially now reading these cards that she poured her heart into each and every time. The card was her canvas and she painted her love for me with every letter. I took so much for granted... that she would always be here, that she would always give me another card that took several minutes to read because she wrote every emotion that she had for me in it. I get no more cards now. Damn it! I want another card from her!

I am glad she did this for us. Whether I went first or she went first, the survivor of us was going to find this scrapbook and reminisce, smile, laugh on the inside and cry on the outside, just like I'm doing right now.