I've been quiet on facebook today but tried to lighten it up with a roll tide joke for fathers day earlier. I wasn't exactly looking forward to today. It's another first that I had to get past. A usual fathers day morning would be Kristi waking up before me, leaning over close to my face and saying, "Happy Father's Day Mr. Hallmark" and then a kiss on the forehead. She would always call me Scott Hallmark (both names) or Mr. Hallmark when she was wanting to be sweet, which was most of the time. Then she would reach back and grab a card she had for me to open with a handwritten personal message inside. She rarely just put a "Love, Kristi Joy" and that's it. That was how I signed my cards, though.
So that didn't happen today. However, I did get text messages from a few people that care about me, knowing I wasn't going to get anything from Kristi today, and they were each very special to me, and they know who they are. I am surrounded by support and love, but yet I still find reasons to complain and stay bitter, which is pretty lame of me. I had an incredibly good weekend, getting out in a public setting with a great friend Friday night, going shopping on Saturday and then lunch with my kids today, followed by a short, rainy 4 mile walk at Lakeside Park this afternoon, then topped off with a surprise dinner of chicken casserole made by Abby, just like Kristi used to make. It was great! She did it to perfection.
Happiness is just around the corner, I believe. I feel it. I know it's possible again. I'm getting glimpses of it more and more now and I know that's what she wanted for me. She told me several times that it would come again, knowing she wouldn't be here for any of it. I never thought it would be possible without her but life has a way of surprising us, with both good and bad. I've had enough of the bad surprises and look forward to more good ones. People are being put in my life who's faith is stronger than mine. Mine took a huge hit. It was down for the count actually. But thru conversations and actions from loving and caring individuals, I am seeing in them what I used to see in me and I'm missing who I was before Jan 4th, 2023, or really 6 months before then when Kristi said "no more" to the treatments. A precious friend prayed with/for me before eating lunch Saturday and that was a first in a long time for me. For 5 months, I've had the attitude of 'why pray to the one that took my wife from me and refuses to tell me why?' but there has to be more to this and I'm not going to find it by ignoring the only one who has the answer. It's time to seek the answers instead of complaining about why they haven't just been dropped in my lap, like a spoiled brat. I still may not like the answer after I get it, but my bitter method was unproductive and a hindrance.
Kristi would not be the way I've been. She was stronger than me. She had more faith than me. She never feared death. She mourned for the things she was going to miss out on, but she never compared those earthly joys to her future eternity. I'm so naive sometimes, so narrow-minded, and so jealous of the joy she's experiencing now compared to the agony of not having her here.
An out-n-back trail is a trail that goes a distance to a given point and then you have to turn around and take that same path back, or you can get lost, really lost. I've been hiking my trail with Kristi to a certain point in time, January 4th, 2023. At the end of that trail, Kristi went home, but I still had to go back. I didn't get to go with her. So on my way back, I got off the trail and I got lost. I've taken a lot of turns and walked a lot of unnecessary miles but I think I finally see the trail I was once on and I am making my way back to it. And when I get back to it and get back to the original starting point, or the trailhead as it's called, I'll see Kristi there again. She's already there... waiting on me. I just have to stay focused, stay on the path, watch for the roots and rocks and take each step carefully. I can get there. I will get there.
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